Force Media Archives: This Month’s Omitted Articles
Author Josh Fickes
This story was inspired by a couple of recommendations from a couple of the author’s friends. Special thanks to them.
This month, the Force File brings you a special collection of the many articles which, for one reason or another, were unable to make it into this month’s edition. Author names have been omitted to protect the English grades of the writers. Please enjoy this look into that which could have been.
Article title: Quick and Easy Pasta
Column: Charter Culinary Corner
Excerpt: This simple dish is a quick, delicious option for budding chefs who desire to hone their skills in the kitchen. Ingredients include one plate of hot pasta. To prepare this dish, you do not have to do anything with your ingredients. Enjoy!
Reason for removal: The recipe seems counterintuitive to the concept of cooking. Also, the Force File does not contain a “Charter Culinary Corner” column.
Article title: Local Turnips Go Missing!
Excerpt: Last week, a significant number of turnips disappeared from nearby farms; experts investigated the scene and report signs of a break in and struggle with the turnips. Is this a true case of turnip-napping, or just an attempt at gaining some insurance money? More on this story as it develops.
Reason for removal: The phrase “turnip-napping” implies that something sentient has been taken, such as a dog in a dog-napping, but while turnips are technically alive, it would be more appropriate to simply say that the turnips were stolen. The Force File must maintain a very high standard of journalistic accuracy.
Article title: Mysterious Happenings in Local Park
Column: Current Events
Excerpt: Numerous concerned students and local residents have sent in reports concerning the recent phenomena at Rockford Park. Witnesses consistently report that the water tower’s sundial is pointing in the wrong direction with its shadow facing toward the sun. There has also been the faltering, gentle sound of a music box, heard only when park-goers stare out toward the river from the stone wall along the road in the park. However, as soon as one turns around to face the apparent source of the simple, mournful melody, the music vanishes. A few witnesses have also reported an individual in a black suit, black hat, and green cape carefully arranging pebbles in the more forested portions of the park.
Reason for removal: According to Josh Fickes, “this is booooooring.” Josh then proceeded to repeatedly say the word “boring” with more and more Os until the article was removed.
Article title: Great Deal on Turnips at Local Store
Excerpt: A nearby grocery market has just announced an amazing deal on turnips with prices as much as 90% off. The store has refused to name the source of their surplus of produce with a representative only remarking that our reporters “shouldn’t worry about it.” If you are a fan fresh vegetables in bulk, pick yours up today!
Reason for removal: While turnips are delicious and nutritious, this article read too much like an advertisement for Force Media to publish without an endorsement from the store.
Article title: Top 10 Books You Should Read According to [Author Name Removed for Anonymity]
Excerpt: I would consider myself an avid bookworm. I have found reading to be not only a fun source of entertainment, but also a great way to learn about the world. In fact, it seems highly likely that the development of writing proved essential to the rise of human civilization.
Reason for removal: The author copied, word for word, Ben Snyder’s article “Top 10 Books You Should Read According to Ben Snyder,” only changing the name “Ben Snyder” to the new alleged author’s name. To clarify, the author was not Ben Snyder submitting his article a second time because of how good it was, but was, in fact, someone else plagiarizing. For shame.
Article title: The Moon is Dumb
Entire article: Yeah, I said it. Fight me. The Moon is just a big, shiny rock, and I bet it doesn’t even pay its taxes. Plus, that’s just a fake moon because the real one disappeared and now there’s a big cardboard cutout taped to a plane so no one notices.
Reason for removal: Use of the contraction “doesn’t” instead of the more formal alternative “does not.”
Article title: Urgent
Column: Uncertain, probably comedy?
Excerpt: There were no written words in this article, just a very hastily sketched drawing of eight stone archways standing in a ring. The archways are all in the same room or outdoor space as they stand alone and do not connect any rooms or areas, and yet the archway facing the viewer of the sketch seems to show an endless, snowy expanse inside of it with a tiny, pale city in the moonlit distance. It is unclear what the other arches do or do not contain within them.
Reason for removal: The article’s author has still not been seen anywhere to answer a few questions about the article, such as whether it was meant as an actual article or just as a note left on my desk.
Article title: Do Not Forget to Choose A Good Title
Column: Fill Out Later
Excerpt: Note to self, insert interview here. Elaborate on first couple of points. Find a picture for this spot right here. Do not forget to include citation. Transition into new paragraph. Research the topic, and add a couple of outside sources here. Do not forget to add well written conclusion. Put witty joke here to end on a high note. Remember to include link to online resources.
Reason for removal: The author submitted an outline with no information whatsoever as an article, and the editors felt so bad about this embarrassing mistake that they removed the author’s name from it before anyone could see who made such a terrible blunder. I am personally glad that I have never made a mistake like this, even when I spent all week looking through the article archives instead of writing my own article. I mean, I definitely remember finishing my article ahead of time so that I could work on this. At least, I am pretty certain that I did… I think… Right?
Hopefully this look into some of the articles that could not make it into this month’s edition of the Force File has left you with a deeper appreciation for the hard work that goes into writing and editing the stories and reports that you love.